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Post by Cullen on Mar 25, 2016 1:58:12 GMT
So me and Raphie are working in the kitchen. We’re each on our third brownie and neither of us are sure about what’s going on. Eduardo pokes his head in and tells us that the boss is home early and we need to get dinner ready stat!
I flip out! The kitchen is set up to be like an old Italian basement. The beachwood supports held up stones and mortar. The brick oven took time to heat up and when it was at full flame there’s a good chance that the air will burn your skin. The dirt floor is easy to imagine that it’s clean. Wooden instruments line wooden shelves and knives of different varieties line the walls.
We grab a bunch of food and throw it together in order to make a kind of mystery stew. I throw in some Cornish game hen, Raphie throws in some carrots. I throw in some rabbit, Raphie throws in some potatoes. It goes on and on from there.
After an hour and a half, we remember that we were supposed to be serving a meal. I rush some bread into the oven and when I turn around that ass Raphie is dumping crab meat into the stew! I don’t even know where he got crab meat!
So i practically dive into the pot pulling out chunks of anything that feels like crab meat. I start screaming at Raphie because the boss is allergic to all shellfish. I tells me its ok because he took off the shell and I throw hot stew in his eyes.
While Raphie is on the ground screaming, I’m still trying to find the crab meat in the stew and I realize it’s a futile effort. I dump the stew through a strainer so I can find the meat. Raphie asks me what my problem is and I scream at him that I don’t want to fail because of someone else’s mistake! Also the boss has tigers, and they always look hungry.
Raphie tells me that the soup is ruined and I realize he’s right. We leave through the cellar entrance because there’s no way that we can make anything in time now. When we burst through the bulkhead into the cool city night we look across the street. Palm trees frame a beautiful picture of the California beach with the waves rippling against the sand. A few nocturnal waterfowl bob on the surface. Light evidence that others played their while the sun was up was strewn about. Bringing the whole scene together was the gleaming, quite possibly glowing, Dairy Queen.
We rushed in and got the boss’s favorite. An 8 piece chicken strip basket with an oreo blizzard. We ran back in to find the house empty. It was at that moment that the boss tapped me on the shoulder. I nearly crapped my pants but it was pretty funny when I saw it on video. Apparently the boss was watching us tweak on his monitors while he ate his dinner. He let us keep the one we bought.
Turns out, Mike Tyson’s a pretty cool boss.
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Post by Alexandra Bishop on Mar 25, 2016 12:52:02 GMT
Having a pretty severe shellfish allergy myself, I can say that no matter how fast your speaker got it out, once the crab meat is in there the whole broth is contaminated.
I enjoyed how light hearted this was. The blind panic of trying to make a meal for some unknown, intimidating figure was contrasted sharply with the hilarity of your scenario, there was a lot of action packed into this! I especially liked the frantic shoveling of the soup, although I would like to know why the speaker wasn't burned while rummaging around in there.
I also liked how you set up the kitchen, your setting was very vivid, and it added to how eclectic the owner was. The fear of the kitchen staff mixed with the oddity of such an old fashioned kitchen makes the owner seem like this powerful,imposing figure. Of course, Mike Tyson can be imposing, but he's proved time and time again that he's pretty fair and laid back, so discovering that he was the proprietor towards the end really threw their rushing around into a humorous light.
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Post by Cullen on Mar 25, 2016 14:17:18 GMT
Thanks, Alex! I enjoyed writing this one. I know that the soup was already contaminated but i wanted to throw more of that stoner desperation into the mix. To answer your question, his hands were severley burned, but he was too high to notice.
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andyg
Harper Lee
Posts: 13 
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Post by andyg on Mar 26, 2016 21:29:34 GMT
This piece was a fun read. I especially enjoyed the emotion between the two, particularly the instance where the narrator tosses hot soup in Ralphie's face. I think one of the things that makes such an event stand out is that suddenly the central object of the story is used in an unconventional way, an action that's tied to the character's emotion. Thanks for sharing this one!
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Post by Sarah Leidhold on Mar 26, 2016 23:07:16 GMT
I loved the quick-pace, shot-for-shot writing you conveyed here; it reads like someone's voice telling a story that you have begged and begged to hear and finally you've had a chance to sit down to listen and it comes out in one excited rush of breath. I loved that authenticity in the tone- I felt like I was listening in on an epic tale being recalled above a bonfire or a bar counter. That fast-paced tone reflects the rushed sense of urgency that the speaker has trying to prepare this dish. It conveyed excitement to me right away; like I wanted to lean into the screen and eat it all up.
Your capacity for description is impressive; I really enjoyed the way that you talked about the surprisingly old-fashioned kitchen and how sometimes it leads to obstacles in the cooking. That kind of hinted to me that there was going to be a struggle happening in the story; a foreshadowing within the setting. I like how sometimes you use a lot of detail to set a scene- like describing the nighttime view that the pair has when they leave the house- I could see the Dairy Queen sign and the "nocturnal water fowl" bobbing on the surface. That is just gorgeous imagery.
And sometimes you're very subtle, like the quick mentioning of the fact that there are several brownies in these characters systems so there might be even more possibility for shenanigans. Also when you mention quickly that the boss has tigers and they are perpetually hungry. Like wow! What a fascinating and colorful detail that makes me stop in my tracks and marvel at your imagination. The mix of subtly and imagery-rich description had me reading very carefully and seeing everything that you painted on the surface, but also considering what was underneath. I like that challenge, as a reader. To follow the clues- to figure out what that mention of the brownies might mean for the rest of the story.
The humor that you convey was so enjoyable to experience; I loved the line about the taking the shell off the shellfish in order to make it safe for the boss to eat. That one had me laughing. It was so clever and so real- like something a child would say or a misunderstanding easily propagated; it made me think about language and how modifiers work. And it also had me thinking about seafood. Poor Raphie; I couldn't help but giggle at the matter-of-fact way you explained that he was now writhing on the floor because of the hot stew thrown into his eyes. So nonchalant that it shocked me and was genuinely so funny.
I loved the ending on this story; it was totally unexpected and so ironic that after all of that work that they just went to Dairy Queen. Also I didn't expect Mr. Mike Tyson to be showing up! How clever. Truly this was so much fun to read. Thank you for sharing it with us!
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Post by Cullen on Mar 27, 2016 2:35:02 GMT
This piece was a fun read. I especially enjoyed the emotion between the two, particularly the instance where the narrator tosses hot soup in Ralphie's face. I think one of the things that makes such an event stand out is that suddenly the central object of the story is used in an unconventional way, an action that's tied to the character's emotion. Thanks for sharing this one! Thanks! I don't write comedy often enough and I feel like sometimes it's my best medium. I really wanted to portray the sort of love hate relationship that friends develop over time between my protagonist and Raphie. Raphie's certainly going to be pissed when he Sobers up and finds those burns, but he'll be sympathetic when he sees the protagonist's hands. Do you think these two should return in future stories? |
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Post by Cullen on Mar 27, 2016 2:40:09 GMT
I loved the quick-pace, shot-for-shot writing you conveyed here; it reads like someone's voice telling a story that you have begged and begged to hear and finally you've had a chance to sit down to listen and it comes out in one excited rush of breath. I loved that authenticity in the tone- I felt like I was listening in on an epic tale being recalled above a bonfire or a bar counter. That fast-paced tone reflects the rushed sense of urgency that the speaker has trying to prepare this dish. It conveyed excitement to me right away; like I wanted to lean into the screen and eat it all up. Your capacity for description is impressive; I really enjoyed the way that you talked about the surprisingly old-fashioned kitchen and how sometimes it leads to obstacles in the cooking. That kind of hinted to me that there was going to be a struggle happening in the story; a foreshadowing within the setting. I like how sometimes you use a lot of detail to set a scene- like describing the nighttime view that the pair has when they leave the house- I could see the Dairy Queen sign and the "nocturnal water fowl" bobbing on the surface. That is just gorgeous imagery. And sometimes you're very subtle, like the quick mentioning of the fact that there are several brownies in these characters systems so there might be even more possibility for shenanigans. Also when you mention quickly that the boss has tigers and they are perpetually hungry. Like wow! What a fascinating and colorful detail that makes me stop in my tracks and marvel at your imagination. The mix of subtly and imagery-rich description had me reading very carefully and seeing everything that you painted on the surface, but also considering what was underneath. I like that challenge, as a reader. To follow the clues- to figure out what that mention of the brownies might mean for the rest of the story. The humor that you convey was so enjoyable to experience; I loved the line about the taking the shell off the shellfish in order to make it safe for the boss to eat. That one had me laughing. It was so clever and so real- like something a child would say or a misunderstanding easily propagated; it made me think about language and how modifiers work. And it also had me thinking about seafood. Poor Raphie; I couldn't help but giggle at the matter-of-fact way you explained that he was now writhing on the floor because of the hot stew thrown into his eyes. So nonchalant that it shocked me and was genuinely so funny. I loved the ending on this story; it was totally unexpected and so ironic that after all of that work that they just went to Dairy Queen. Also I didn't expect Mr. Mike Tyson to be showing up! How clever. Truly this was so much fun to read. Thank you for sharing it with us! Wow. I don't think that I've ever received this much praise on...well anything really. Thank you very much. I'm glad that it came across as the fast paced, high energy story that I had planned on. For a brief time I considered doing a little more with the brownies but I decided to leave them behind. I'm honestly not sure what drove me to write them going into Dairy Queen but I'm glad I went with it. I feel like that was the right thing to do. Oh, and I don't think o included this in the story, but the dinner that the boss ended up eating while our protagonist was scrambling? A chicken strip basket and a blizzard from Dairy Queen. |
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Post by Sarah Leidhold on Mar 27, 2016 3:41:20 GMT
Hahaha! I love it! I look forward to reading your next piece.
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